Monday, July 14, 2008

Church Folk

Let me preface this post by saying that I realize that "religion" is a hot button and sensitive issue for many people... I just happen to not care and will proceed anyway.

I CANNOT STAND "church folk"

I absolutely, with every fiber of my being, am upset by their existence in my reality. They are of the devil and need to go the way of the dodo (is that the correct spelling?) bird, or death row inmates in Texas.

By now some of you may wonder what I mean when I say "church folk". Those of you who are reading this and are regular Sunday worshipers will readily identify with this type of person and can probably name at least two or three of them in your own congregation.

"Church Folk" refers to the class of people who come to church not to worship and spend time in the presence of the Lord, but rather to put on a show for all to see.

Examples of common (in my sphere of experience) "church folk" characters include but are not limited to the following:

1. that person who sits up front EVERY Sunday and proceeds to try shout over whomever may be preaching, singing a song, or basically talking in anyway.

2. that person who feels it is their sole mission in life to "help" every person pray through their situation by grabbing them and proceeding to shout right in their ear as they are trying to worship.

3. that person who whenever "caught in the spirit" (usually every Sunday without fail during the song right as the minister comes to the pulpit) feels the need to do laps around the sanctuary/and or altar area.

4. that person who must make a noise to accompany every word out of the mouth of the speaker (see internal dialogue) by means of shouting, clapping, stomping, incessant tambourine banging (to the point of breakage at times), or baning on the drum set (with or without actual drum sticks).

5. that person that "catches the spirit" every Sunday (again usually during the song right as the minister comes to the pulpit) and proceeds to try knock over the pews, and or take out anyone in the immediate vicinity with their fists of fury (this can actually be rather entertaining at times to tell the truth).

6. that person who whenever there is testimony service gets up and proceeds to sing the 7 stanza song complete with full chorus and then give a 20 minute sermon on the goodness of the Lord and ends with the phrase "continue to pray my strength in the Lord." (the way I see it, if you can sing all that and then continue to talk, strength is really not an issue for you now is it?)

{Internal Dialogue}
ARE YOU KIDDING ME!!!!! I swear on all that I hold dear this is the most mind numbing, cringe inducing, violent incident causing behavior on a Sunday. The Bible does say to make a joyful noise unto the Lord, but that is not joyful, not by any stretch of the imagination. Why must you do that?!?!?! I mean come on, why does the sermon need a sound track or a back beat? Tito Puente you are not !!! What did that tambourine do to you that you had to repeatedly hit it so hard that the whole inside piece busted and parts were flying off hitting unsuspecting worshipers all in the eye and what not? And the drums?!?!?!!? You are NOT EVEN A MUSICIAN!!! WTF is the thought process behind banging on the drums (not actually playing because you don't actually know how to..)? And not in a gentle manner... oh no not that, but rather like the drums are a rude child that did something wrong and you are trying to beat the (insert appropriate color reference) off them. AND when the drum sticks are removed instead of taking the hint and stopping you proceed to bang the drums WITH YOUR HANDS ...WTFF (first "F" stands for flying) IS WRONG WITH YOU!??!?!?!?!?!?! That is not cool at all. Yes music is an integral part of praise and worship and the service at large, but did we leave common sense at the altar along with our burdens and troubles?

"Church folk" are becoming an epidemic, and something needs to be done to stop the spread of their madness. Let the revolution begin! Who is with me?!?!?!?!


Anonymous said...

OMG you are so right about these church folks now a day. I almost choked on my ginger ale reading this. We should form group to handle these people

Ranting Auntie said...

I would say arm some of the ushers (the responsible ones at least) with tasers... and a few plants in the congregation as well..."church folk" act up.. they get taken down...