Monday, July 14, 2008

Bra Etiquette

OK. Let's be 1,000,000,000% clear about something:


My poor eyes were assaulted at every turn each time I stepped out of my office today.

The volume of females I saw today with unsupported boobs down to their knees or swinging in the breeze was unnecessary. While it may not look as though there are two honeydews strapped to my chest [obscure shout out to one of my fave Designing Women episodes] God was gracious enough to grant me a decent upper body. As such I am totally mystified at how anyone with more than an A cup can comfortably go about without having the girls (or twins as I call my own... hey guys can and do name their stuff so it is only fair that we get to do the same) properly supported. The gum drop invasion (let it sink in you will get it eventually) that attacked me repeatedly today made no sense to me. In this day and age where you can get a bra in just about any shape, size, style, or color, how can females justify going out without a bra? Saying that they could not find one to go with whatever top they were wearing is a lie from the pit of Hell.

What was most troubling though was that the majority of the incidents took place in Midtown where I work. That begs the question; where do these females work? Harry's House of Ho's? In what place of business, lingerie business and the like excluded, is it acceptable to come to work with all of your goodies on display? These were not even young females I was seeing, but grown behind females. People who should know better. Part of me seriously wonders if it was a deliberate action on their part. Given the frigid nature of the NYC Public Transportation System it is a given that if you go without a bra you will be outed as it were. So did they deliberately leave the house this morning without a bra in an effort to attract attention? On that score it worked, but maybe not entirely in the way that they imagined.

Bra etiquette has died a horrible death and I blame all the zealous feminists of yesteryear and their bra burning fetish. THIS IS ALL YOUR FAULT! So to counteract the damage done by past idiocy I now propose the following set of guidelines for those who may be unsure of when it is or is not proper to forgo wearing a bra:

1. Unless you are wearing a strapless dress or item that has a full/proper coverage bra [no visible gum drops] already sewn into the top: YOU NEED A BRA!!

2. If your cup size is anything above the letter A: YOU NEED A BRA!!

3. If you are wearing a tank top or any variation on the style: YOU NEED A BRA!!

4. If you have had children: YOU NEED A BRA!!

5. If your bra size is preceded by double, triple, or anything higher: YOU DEFINITELY NEED A BRA!!

6. If you are incubating a small being: YOU NEED A BRA!!

7. If you are a lady: this doesn't apply to you because you already know how to dress yourself properly.

8. If you are wearing a light, white, see through, mesh, or crocheted top: PLEASE WEAR A BRA!!

In short, once you hit puberty and develop mammarific (yep I made that up) protrusions... whenever you leave your house...YOU NEED TO WEAR A BRA!!

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