Wednesday, July 30, 2008

Laughter Saves Lives

So it is entirely possible that these may be the creation of photo shop... but who cares!?!? They made me laugh which in turn took my mind off of wanting to open up a can of whoop ass on some people, and/or stabbing them repeatedly with a rusty knife until they either died from blood loss or from the eventual infection. Enjoy!

ok this just amuses me for the simple fact that I would love to see it happen in real life.

this is what happens when the church tries to speak like the world. DON'T DO IT!! there is a reason why the church and the world need to stay separate! Remember we are in the world but not of the world. (but it sure is funny)

WTFF!!!! Seriously... I don't get it...

So who would have to pay the fine?

This one just makes no sense what so ever. Is the sign in the bottom left telling you to watch out for horny deer? WTF????

I have seen this ass backwards sign combo numerous times and cannot for the life of me figure out why no one seems to notice the contradictory nature of the signs. Further proof that the world is full of simple bastards.

Monday, July 28, 2008

Simple Bastard III - Shark Week Edition

"There are no dangerous sharks, just dangerous situations" ...

The quote above was made by the gentleman in the clip below.

Simple "let's go stand where the animals that are known to eat ANYTHING and can kill us are swimming about in mass quantities while wearing absolutely NO protection of any kind and see what happens" Bastard.

How was this not considered a "dangerous situation"?

Shaking my head...

And then the fight started...

While I cannot take credit for being the author of these little gems, I will gladly pass them on.


When I got home last night, my wife demanded that I take her someplace
expensive... so, I took her to a gas station...

And then the fight started....


After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for
Social Security. The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's
license to verify my age. I looked in my pockets and realized I had
left my wallet at home. I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I
would have to go home and come back later.

The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'. So I opened my shirt revealing
my curly silver hair.

She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me' and
she processed my Social Security application.

When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the
Social Security office.

She said, 'you should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten
disability, too.'

And then the fight started...


My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion, and I
kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a
nearby table.

My wife asked, 'Do you know her?'

'Yes,' I sighed, 'She's my old girlfriend. I understand she took to
drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she
hasn't been sober since.'

'My God!' says my wife, 'who would think a person could go on
celebrating that long?'

And then the fight started...


I rear-ended a car this morning. So, there we were alongside the road,
and slowly the other driver got out of his car. You know how sometimes
you just get soooo stressed and little things just seem funny?

Yeah, well I couldn't believe it... he was a DWARF!!!

He stormed over to my car, looked up at me, and shouted, 'I AM NOT

So, I looked down at him and said, 'Well, then which one are you?'

And then the fight started...

Vocabulary Rescind

Ok, so there are somethings that push my buttons and put me into a haze where I happily plot the downfall of others. However, sometimes in my rage I do a disservice to some people, and I am woman enough to admit when I cross lines and such. Case in point, I sometimes use the word "retarded" to describe actions and or people that I find to be ignorant, annoying, dumb, or just plain stupid. This however is not a good term to use as it does not reflect well on the population of people who genuinely do fall into that category.

So hence forth the use of that term in ire has been rescinded and will be applied solely to those who fit the clinical definition of the term, and in such context as is appropriate.

That does not however mean that I will stop calling people out for dumb ass behaviours. So to that end, people or things that I find to be ignorant, annoying, dumb, or just plain stupid will be referred to as simple bastards.

Friday, July 25, 2008

Tourists and Tasers

I want a taser gun as an early birthday present.

Ok, ok, so they are illegal, so what. Sometimes rules are meant to be broken if the cause is just and I believe that being able to tase the simple bastard tourists that screw up my time off for good behaviour is a just cause.

I travel. I go to other cities and countries, I have been and will continue to be at times a tourist. However as someone who works in a major city furthermore in an area that is a mecca for tourists (NYC: Times Square/Fashion District area), I have cultivated a deep respect for the locals. I am sick and tired of going outside on my lunch break with the anticipation of enjoying a nice walk, maybe some window or actual shopping, and just getting some air only to be met with this:

Simple (ohhh wee y'all we's in da big city) Bastards


My main beef with tourists is their inability to use common sense and make good judgments. They are loud, rude, pushy, and feel that everyone should pander to their whims as they are spending their precious dollars in our city and boosting our economy. While I may not be a native born New Yorker, let me offer what would be the common response of a native:

@#$& YOU, YOU DUMB@$% MOTHER@#%*$%. (this would probably be accompanied by particular hand motions)

When faced with tourists I often fell like Lois Griffin in that episode of Family Guy where all the city folk (New Yorkers apropos) come to Quahog to see the leaves, and want to do to the tourists what Stewie did to Brian:

I know there are many people who would say that I should lighten up, that I should allow for the fact that people are often enthralled with the sights and for many it is the first time they have seen these sights and it is an awe inspiring thing. To those people I respectfully say BITE ME. You can be filled with awe without standing in the middle of the sidewalk blocking my path as you stare at the buildings (wtf? do they not have buildings where you come from?) and taking a million and one pictures. You can be filled with awe without gathering in large masses at corner impeding the flow of traffic as you try figure out where to go from your map instead of just asking someone. You can be filled with awe without you and your whole damn gaggle of loud ass children holding up the line in McDonald's as I am try to get my damn fries because your ignorant ass cannot figure out what the hell you want. It is freaking MCDONALD'S you ignorant bastard!!! The basic menu is the SAME damn it!!! A Big Mac here is the same damn thing where you come from too and yes the value meal comes with fries you simple bastard.

Wednesday, July 23, 2008

Simple Bastards II

I had so much fun doing this yesterday that I figured why not make it a weekly thing. So here in no particular order is my list of Simple Bastards for the week:

Al Sharpton - Simple "man perm wearing, ignorance spewing, so NOT the voice of the black people" Bastard

Nancy Grace - Simple "dumb behind has no business reporting news and why do you look like that???" Bastard

Tom Cruise - Simple "couch jumping, Oprah scaring, done lost his damn mind" Bastard

Sting ray - Simple "Crocodile Hunter killing (I am STILL upset about that)" Bastard*

This Chick - Simple "you just made me throw up in my mouth with your nasty ghetto hot mess self" Bastard

Her Man - Simple "how is it that you can buy all the "ice" yet your dumb behind is still living in your momma's basement/on your momma's couch, hey baby can I holla atchu fu a minute, can't speak proper english, saggin pant wearing, nasty ass" Bastard

The week has a few more days to go. I may have to revisit and update this list.

*yeah yeah yeah.. whatever... I know it is not a person, but as it is my blog I can pretty much do and say what I want.

Tuesday, July 22, 2008

Thank You For Being a Friend

Golden Girl Gone

Estelle Getty, probably best known for her role as "Ma" Sophia, on Golden Girls passed away today at the age of 84.

A true screen gem, and in my mind a comedic genius.

Dorothy: Ma, what the hell are you doing?! (at finding Sophia standing naked in front of the fridge)
Sophia: I'm giving the left-over meatloaf a thrill – what do you think I'm doing, it's hot as hell in here!
Dorothy: Well, close it before the food spoils.
Sophia: Okay. [covers herself]
Dorothy: I meant the refrigerator

Thanks for the many years of laughter you gave us. You will be missed.

Thank you for being a friend
Traveled down the road and back again
Your heart is true
You're a pal and a confidant

And if you threw a party
And invited everyone you knew
You would see the the biggest gift would be from me
And the card attached would say

Simple Bastards I

Give me a moment... this is the second time I am having to write this because the first version read like a portion of a Richard Pryor stand up.

SMPL NMB NT DMB SS BSTRDS!!!! (anyone want to buy a vowel?)

Why is this world so full of people who are so abysmally stupid? People who are so disconnected from the plane of reality that you have to wonder how it is that they are able to survive. People whose actions and words are so painful to see and hear that you want to rip out your OWN eyes and ears just so you do not have to be party to the madness.

Simple bastards are a blight on the human race. They are responsible for the decline of society, morals, values, and all that we hold dear. Every atrocity that has been committed against mankind can directly or indirectly be connected to a simple bastard.

Satan - Simple "I am better than you God and I will take over the whole world" Bastard*

Christopher Columbus - Simple "Screw the map, I know where the #@$% I am" Bastard

Adolf Hitler - Simple "I and the Nazis are better than everyone and I will take over the world" Bastard (note the similarities to Satan)

Trans Atlantic Slave Trade - Simple "let's screw over millions of people for generations to come" Bastard**

Jessie Jackson - Simple "He's talking down to black folk (like black folk are not smart enough to understand what is said by a person with any type of intelligence and education..dumbass... just because you can't understand what he is saying doesn't mean the rest of us can't figure it out)" Bastard

Michael Savage - Simple "I make sweeping statements and generalisations about things that I KNOW ABSOLUTELY NOTHING ABOUT and then call anyone who actually knows something about the subject and contradicts my incorrect assumptions far left stalinists" Bastard

*Obviously this is not a real depiction but it amused me
**Ok so the Atlantic Slave Trade is not an actual person but you can bet that a Simple Bastard came up with the idea

Monday, July 21, 2008

Freakin MTA

It is not even lunch time and I already want to kill... or at least maim.

I propose a change to the definition of the words "futile", "incomprehensible", and "pointless". When you look in the dictionary you should also find listed under the definition of these words the following:
NYC PUBLIC TRANSPORTAION SYSTEM (here after referred to as the freakin MTA).

WTFF!?!?!? Can I just get one morning where something does not screw up my commute?

This morning's commute went as follows:

1. get into station (hot as all get out) look and see train is coming... YES!
2. get on train, score seat immediately... YES!
3. get out book, arrange self and settle in for a peaceful ride... YES!
4. realise that the air is obviously set on BARELY ON because the car is still warm.. this is still okay.. it is not ideal situation, but at least the air is on.

Things start to go down hill from this point on.

5. go all of 5 stations to hear the following announcement:

"Ladies and gentlemen we are delayed due to train traffic ahead of us."
followed up by:

"Ladies and gentlemen, due to debris on the tracks at Bowling Green, Manhattan bound 4 and 5 trains are running on the local track" (I happen to be on the local train)

At this point things are still okay. I have time and I am relaxing on my train. We are slowly but surely are making our way into the city. Then the following announcement is made:

"Ladies and gentlemen, due to the track conditions at Bowling Green, Manhattan bound 4 and 5 trains are termanting at Wall Street. For continuing service into Manhattan take the 2 (train I am on) or 3 train."

Things are still okay at this point because like I said, I am sitting on my train with my book and we are slowly but surely moving along...I know that when we get to the Wall Street stop there will be a truck load of people waiting to get on the train, but what do I care, I am seated, things are still well in my world... that is until we actually get to the Wall Street stop and hear this:

"Attention passengers, due to a sick customer on the train (my train) we are being held in the station momentarily to assess the situation. Please be patient."

Do the conductors and train operators realise that asking a bunch of people who are already hot and bothered because mother nature has the thermostat set to HELL, to please be patient in a subway car that is toasty, or standing on a platform that is buring up, is something akin to asking a lion who has not eaten in days and comes across a gimp zebra NOT to eat it...ain't gonna happen.

By this time I am annoyed because all that extra time I had built into my commute (I like to get into the city about 30 minutes early so I can get my mind right and knosh something before I start my day) is being eaten up. Futhermore, the train is getting ridiculously crowded, hotter, and we have been sitting in the station for a good 10 minutes. Also ALL those people from the 4 and 5 trains that are terminating at the Wall Street stop are trying to get on my train (because the laws of physics must not apply to them... simple bastards). Finally the conductor comes back over the PA system and delivers this gem:

"Attention passengers, due to a sick customer this train is being taken out of service. All passengers must exit the train. THIS TRAIN IS NO LONGER IN SERVICE."

FREAKIN' A!!!!!!

Are you kidding me!?!?!?!?

Why do I have to get off the train? Why can't they take the sicko off the train? This makes absolutely NO SENSE to me. Futhermore, if the train has to go out of service why do it at a station that is already packed because everyone from two other train lines have been rerouted there. Would it have killed the freaking MTA to let the train go one more stop to Fulton Street where I could have at least transfered to another train line? Damnit give me something to work with!!! Give me something to hope for!!!!


So instead of being 30 minutes early for work, I get in 30 minutes late... and am greeted by retards (yes, yes I know I shouldn't call people that because as the "retarded" lady on the bus said to someone one day, (I kid you not) "I'm retarded not stupid"... but whatever) who ask me dumbass questions before I even get to my desk... DAMN IT!!!

It's only Monday...

Friday, July 18, 2008

Finally Friday

Finally Friday.

Time to get out of the prison of the 9-5 and relax for the weekend...

Thank God for small mercies.

So here's to hoping to avoid the following:

1. Hot ghetto mess chicks/dudes.

2. LOUD people. (do we not know the meaning of INSIDE VOICES?!?!?)

3. Bad behaved children.

4. Lecherous old men.

5. Skanky old but think they are young women.

6. Any other type of person that ticks me off.

As the temperature goes higher, clothing disappears... my poor eyeballs...

Happy Friday...
Have a great weekend (or at least try to).

Thursday, July 17, 2008

Today I am thankful that...

1. I am alive.

2. God grants me patience and shows me mercy on a daily basis (probably cause He knows that I would not be able to do jail time)

3. I have an interesting family.

4. My midgets are hilarious!!!

5. I have wonderful friends

How about you? What are you thankful for?

Wednesday, July 16, 2008

Project Runway

... OF.THE.DEVIL ...

Ok so the new season of Project Runway started tonight. In fact it is on right now. I am watching it, and hating myself for doing so. Here is a sampling of things that I have yelled at my television so far:

1. Jesus wept... at my first glimpse of the contestants

2. Dear God why... at the abundance of flaming men (seriously do they have a quota or something?)

3. Lord Jesus... at the chick who was in the produce section...WTFF are you doing!??!?! (side note: the judges liked this. obviously I have no understanding of fashion...)

4. oh Jesus...Jesus...Jesus... at whatever the hell that hot mess rainbow brite stripped leggings booty short combo thing that chick was wearing

5. and finally (I YELLED this at the top of my lungs by the way) THE DEVIL IS A LIAR!!! the season 1 guy... was that little boy blue that came across the street!?!?!?!? WTF children, WTFF was that?!?!?!

I hate you Bravo network. I HATE YOU!!!

{although I would like to say thank you to the judges for taking that Blayne dude (I HATE THAT NAME) down a peg}

I am going to take a shower now... I feel dirty...

Rush Hour Children

Have you ever had that moment where you consider going home, downing a bottle of 151, Jack, Johnnie, or something along those lines, then getting out your kitchen shears, a butcher knife, some twist ties, and tying your own tubes???

I did. Last night on the way home, and AGAIN this morning while commuting to work. Why? Because once again I found myself stuck in a sealed metal tube with Bebe's Kids...

Last night I had the pleasure of sharing my bus ride home with Sir Screams A-Lot. As the bus pulled up this loud screeching could be heard. I along with others waiting to get on kept looking around trying to trace its origin (in my case so I could run/limp screaming in the other direction). It was only as I got on the bus that I realised the noise was coming out of the body of a small child standing (not sitting.. STANDING) in the seat in front. Useless mom was sitting next to him basically being very ineffective at quieting his screaching, and what I assumed to be older sis was sitting in the next seat taunting him and screaching as well... I really thought about WALKING the rest of the way home (about 15-20 looonnnngggg blocks). It was only the fact that I was horrendously tired and in pain that held me back. So I put on my iPod and turned the volume all the way up and prayed for a swift ride home.

This morning it was Little Esse-san [I love Katt Williams] on the train. HTF ("how" instead of "what") can you whine, fuss, kick, cry, etc. from Brooklyn, ALL THE WAY to Midtown Manhattan!?!?!?! I didn't know who I wanted to hurt more, the kid or again the useless and totally ineffective mom. Futher more why did the mom look, I don't know, scared of the child? Like she was loathe to say or do anything that would set the little pokeman spawn of satan off further!?!?! WTFF!!! So again I put my iPod on and blasted it (I will probably be hard of hearing in my old age).

All I know is that if I had dared to behave in such a manner as a child my mother would have put a serious hurting on me because there was no way she was going to let me embarass her in public.

I am not looking forward to the commute home this evening. The urge to shove evil kids in front of buses, trains, or any vehicle with sufficient speed to render them moot grows stronger everyday... what to do...

Tuesday, July 15, 2008

Parades Are Evil

It is 11:15 am.

I am sitting at my desk working and thinking about the nice walk I am going to take at lunch time, and then my email alert flashes on the screen. I go to my inbox to find this:

From: xxxxxx

Sent: Tuesday, July 15, 2008 11:24 AM

To: xxxxxxx

URGENT - URGENT - URGENT Importance: High

We have just been informed by NYPD that 40th Street and 41st Street will be closed between Broadway and 6th Avenue from 12:30 p.m. to 3 p.m. If you leave this block, you will need I.D. showing you work in this building. A SHORT NOTE ON YOUR LETTERHEAD STATING THAT YOUR EMPLOYEE WORKS AT THIS LOCATION MIGHT BE HELPFUL.


Are you freaking kidding me!!!! That's just great. So now instead of being able to go and enjoy my one hour of time off for good behaviour I have to dodge all the crackheads out there trying to catch the parade, all the news people reporting on the parade, and the NYPD brass band (damn near got taken out by mister tuba man who was too busy looking at everything else EXCEPT for where he was walking)... AND if I leave the block I have to be prepared to convince the PoPo that I actually work in a building on the block before they will let me back on?!?!?!

WTFF!?!?!?!? (remember the first "F" stands for flying) I got to prove that I want to go to work.. are you freaking kidding me? Bite me butt munch!!! This is why I hate parades. This is why they are evil. They are great only for the people who are actually IN the parade.The people who get to ride in the comfy cars and relax themselves. The rest of us just get screwed over in the process.

Oh and to top it off I REALLY had a crave for some McCracky's fries (don't act like you don't know what I mean) but of course that would have meant leaving the block and having to possibly deal with Sgt. Power Trip on the way back so I chose to forgo that and get a freaking salad... grrr.....

Monday, July 14, 2008

Bra Etiquette

OK. Let's be 1,000,000,000% clear about something:


My poor eyes were assaulted at every turn each time I stepped out of my office today.

The volume of females I saw today with unsupported boobs down to their knees or swinging in the breeze was unnecessary. While it may not look as though there are two honeydews strapped to my chest [obscure shout out to one of my fave Designing Women episodes] God was gracious enough to grant me a decent upper body. As such I am totally mystified at how anyone with more than an A cup can comfortably go about without having the girls (or twins as I call my own... hey guys can and do name their stuff so it is only fair that we get to do the same) properly supported. The gum drop invasion (let it sink in you will get it eventually) that attacked me repeatedly today made no sense to me. In this day and age where you can get a bra in just about any shape, size, style, or color, how can females justify going out without a bra? Saying that they could not find one to go with whatever top they were wearing is a lie from the pit of Hell.

What was most troubling though was that the majority of the incidents took place in Midtown where I work. That begs the question; where do these females work? Harry's House of Ho's? In what place of business, lingerie business and the like excluded, is it acceptable to come to work with all of your goodies on display? These were not even young females I was seeing, but grown behind females. People who should know better. Part of me seriously wonders if it was a deliberate action on their part. Given the frigid nature of the NYC Public Transportation System it is a given that if you go without a bra you will be outed as it were. So did they deliberately leave the house this morning without a bra in an effort to attract attention? On that score it worked, but maybe not entirely in the way that they imagined.

Bra etiquette has died a horrible death and I blame all the zealous feminists of yesteryear and their bra burning fetish. THIS IS ALL YOUR FAULT! So to counteract the damage done by past idiocy I now propose the following set of guidelines for those who may be unsure of when it is or is not proper to forgo wearing a bra:

1. Unless you are wearing a strapless dress or item that has a full/proper coverage bra [no visible gum drops] already sewn into the top: YOU NEED A BRA!!

2. If your cup size is anything above the letter A: YOU NEED A BRA!!

3. If you are wearing a tank top or any variation on the style: YOU NEED A BRA!!

4. If you have had children: YOU NEED A BRA!!

5. If your bra size is preceded by double, triple, or anything higher: YOU DEFINITELY NEED A BRA!!

6. If you are incubating a small being: YOU NEED A BRA!!

7. If you are a lady: this doesn't apply to you because you already know how to dress yourself properly.

8. If you are wearing a light, white, see through, mesh, or crocheted top: PLEASE WEAR A BRA!!

In short, once you hit puberty and develop mammarific (yep I made that up) protrusions... whenever you leave your house...YOU NEED TO WEAR A BRA!!

Church Folk

Let me preface this post by saying that I realize that "religion" is a hot button and sensitive issue for many people... I just happen to not care and will proceed anyway.

I CANNOT STAND "church folk"

I absolutely, with every fiber of my being, am upset by their existence in my reality. They are of the devil and need to go the way of the dodo (is that the correct spelling?) bird, or death row inmates in Texas.

By now some of you may wonder what I mean when I say "church folk". Those of you who are reading this and are regular Sunday worshipers will readily identify with this type of person and can probably name at least two or three of them in your own congregation.

"Church Folk" refers to the class of people who come to church not to worship and spend time in the presence of the Lord, but rather to put on a show for all to see.

Examples of common (in my sphere of experience) "church folk" characters include but are not limited to the following:

1. that person who sits up front EVERY Sunday and proceeds to try shout over whomever may be preaching, singing a song, or basically talking in anyway.

2. that person who feels it is their sole mission in life to "help" every person pray through their situation by grabbing them and proceeding to shout right in their ear as they are trying to worship.

3. that person who whenever "caught in the spirit" (usually every Sunday without fail during the song right as the minister comes to the pulpit) feels the need to do laps around the sanctuary/and or altar area.

4. that person who must make a noise to accompany every word out of the mouth of the speaker (see internal dialogue) by means of shouting, clapping, stomping, incessant tambourine banging (to the point of breakage at times), or baning on the drum set (with or without actual drum sticks).

5. that person that "catches the spirit" every Sunday (again usually during the song right as the minister comes to the pulpit) and proceeds to try knock over the pews, and or take out anyone in the immediate vicinity with their fists of fury (this can actually be rather entertaining at times to tell the truth).

6. that person who whenever there is testimony service gets up and proceeds to sing the 7 stanza song complete with full chorus and then give a 20 minute sermon on the goodness of the Lord and ends with the phrase "continue to pray my strength in the Lord." (the way I see it, if you can sing all that and then continue to talk, strength is really not an issue for you now is it?)

{Internal Dialogue}
ARE YOU KIDDING ME!!!!! I swear on all that I hold dear this is the most mind numbing, cringe inducing, violent incident causing behavior on a Sunday. The Bible does say to make a joyful noise unto the Lord, but that is not joyful, not by any stretch of the imagination. Why must you do that?!?!?! I mean come on, why does the sermon need a sound track or a back beat? Tito Puente you are not !!! What did that tambourine do to you that you had to repeatedly hit it so hard that the whole inside piece busted and parts were flying off hitting unsuspecting worshipers all in the eye and what not? And the drums?!?!?!!? You are NOT EVEN A MUSICIAN!!! WTF is the thought process behind banging on the drums (not actually playing because you don't actually know how to..)? And not in a gentle manner... oh no not that, but rather like the drums are a rude child that did something wrong and you are trying to beat the (insert appropriate color reference) off them. AND when the drum sticks are removed instead of taking the hint and stopping you proceed to bang the drums WITH YOUR HANDS ...WTFF (first "F" stands for flying) IS WRONG WITH YOU!??!?!?!?!?!?! That is not cool at all. Yes music is an integral part of praise and worship and the service at large, but did we leave common sense at the altar along with our burdens and troubles?

"Church folk" are becoming an epidemic, and something needs to be done to stop the spread of their madness. Let the revolution begin! Who is with me?!?!?!?!

Saturday, July 12, 2008

and Gentlemen...

Man: Hello Miss
Dude: Yo shawty!!

Man: You look lovely today
Dude: DAMN!!!!!!!!!!!!

Man: (to a friend) She looks nice
Dude: (to his boy) I'd hit dat

Man: May I speak to you for a moment?
Dude: Lemme holla atchu fu a minute!!

Man: May I take you out for a cup of coffee sometime?
Dude: Lemme take u back tah duh crib!

Man: Would it be alright if I called you some time?
Dude: Shawty lemme get dem digits!

Man: (in response to a lady* saying no thank you to something) Ok.
Dude: Why u gotta play a brotha like dat?

Man: neat slacks (or jeans), nice shirt, a jacket if needed and outfit appropriate shoes, all in the correct size
Dude: saggin' jeans (see internal dialogue) tee shirt and tennis shoes, all in sizes too large

How did things get this way?

Where have all the gentlemen gone? What happened to the days when men were men and carried themselves with dignity and class? The days when men stood up and handled their business.

At every turn all I can see are dudes, no men, just dudes.

Do we remember the Salt n' Pepa song Whatta Man??? "A body like Arnold with a Denzel face? He always has heavy conversation for the mind? Never disrespectful cause his momma taught him that? He's not a fake wannabe tryin to be a pimp, he dresses like a dapper don, but even in jeans he's a God sent original...?" What a man that would be, if one could be found.

{Internal Dialogue}
Crack is whack like Whitney said. If I have to see one more cartoon covered behind as I am out on the street I don't know what I am going to do. Why oh why has this become such a hot trend? How is wearing your pants so low down that you have to waddle like a gimpy duck in any way cool looking? Do they not have a mirror at home to see how stupid this style looks? Again, underwear is meant to be worn underneath your clothing. There is no reason for me to know that today you decided to wear your Daffy Duck boxers, or God forbid the perpetrator is wearing tidy whities at the time. I mean do these guys even know the origin of what that style comes from? Or wait, do they even care? I don't know. I just shake my head at the whole situation. My cousin sent me an email that made a good point; the word saggin written backwards... NIGGAS, and to me that is just how I see dudes who subscribe to that fashion trend.

So that begs the question, how did males go from men to dudes? What precipitated that change, and more importantly how do we reverse it?

**please refer to the prior post entitled "Ladies"**

Friday, July 11, 2008

Stupid Head

To the stupid head that almost destroyed my left mammary with their ginormous (has that been added to the dictionary as a word yet? It needs to be) back pack I would like to say the following:

If I ever see you again I will jam the heel of my 4 inch gold stiletto right into your jugular and watch you writhe in pain at my feet as you bleed to death.

Happy Friday....


"She's A Lady" – Tom Jones

Well she's all you'd ever want,She's the kind they'd like to flaunt and take to dinner.Well she always knows her place.She's got style, she's got grace, She's a winner.

She's a Lady. Whoa whoa whoa, She's a Lady.Talkin' about that little lady, and the lady is mine.

Well she's never in the wayAlways something nice to say, Oh what a blessing.I can leave her on her ownKnowing she's okay alone, and there's no messing.

She's a lady. Whoa, whoa, whoa. She's a lady.Talkin' about that little lady, and the lady is mine.

Well she never asks for very much and I don't refuse her.Always treat her with respect, I never would abuse her.What she's got is hard to find, and I don't want to lose herHelp me build a mountain from my little pile of clay. Hey, hey, hey.Well she knows what I'm about,She can take what I dish out, and that's not easy,Well she knows me through and through,She knows just what to do, and how to please me.


As I sat on the train on my way into the city this morning my mind turned to this song, and I thought to myself; “you know Tom would have a hard time singing that song in this day and age” because there are not that many women who can be called a “lady” in the true sense (meaning my definition) of the word.

Back in the day a woman was a lady. A lady did not step out of the house unless she had herself looking correct. Her hair was coiffed, her face could stop traffic (as in wow there is a nice looking lady, not OH MY GOD WHAT IS THAT!!!) with or without makeup, and her clothes accentuated her body and left a man* to wonder at and appreciate what she had going on. She would glide with effortless grace, head high and posture erect. Men* would pass and tip their hats to which she would reply with a reciprocal nod or a cordial greeting. Her voice was gentle and her speech eloquent. Her worth was known to her, and she carried herself with dignity accordingly.

In this day and age a woman is… I do not even know what to call them. Yes I said them. I am a lady. I do not know what those other people are. They will step out of the house looking any old kind of way. Their hair is more often than not still in rollers, wrapped with hairpins, or tied up in a scarf [this is ONLY acceptable if you are just coming from getting it done]. Their face speeds up traffic because, dang did they even wash it before they left out? Their clothes…(see internal dialogue). The words “grace” and “posture” have been banished from their collective conscience. Men* pass, and keep on moving. Their voice is shrill and their speech abrasive. Their worth is believed to be far below what it actually is and they lower themselves accordingly.

{Internal Dialogue}
I am truly dumbfounded but what I see around me. When did it become acceptable to stuff an acre of body into a half yard of clothe? As a female I cringe on a daily basis as I see the over abundance of flesh around me. Hemlines seem to get shorter possibly in an attempt to meet the slowly dropping waistline. [let me take this moment to state for the record that low waist pants are OF THE DEVIL and I would really like to drop kick the idiot that thought it would be a good idea] Shirt hemlines however, seem to have an aversion to being near pant or skirt waistlines and have been beating a steady retreat north. Cloth sizes seem to be shrinking, either that or women are just in a perpetual state of denial about what their REAL size is. I mean if the garment makes it look like you are walking on two logs of cottage cheese and not legs, well then it is TOO TIGHT! That mess in NOT cute in any way, shape or form. Women need to stop going in the juniors section (which should be called the mini stripper uniform section cause have you seen what they have for little girls to wear these days?!?!? Booty shorts!!! On a 5 year old!!! B-O-O-T-Y shorts!!?!?!?!WTF!!! I digress, where was I, oh yes…) for their clothes. Age and gravity are real. You got older, stuff spread out, dress your age please. And I am tired of seeing people in the grocery, laundry, bank, etc in their pajamas. Sweats are acceptable, Care Bears are not. Does it really take that long to put on proper attire and fix your face (as my mommy says) before you step outside? Furthermore, underwear is called UNDER wear for a reason. It is thus named because it is to be worn underneath your clothing not AS clothing. I simply cannot understand this tendency to come out with drawers on as top clothes. Call me old fashioned, call me a prude, call me whatever you want, but I still think the only person(s) that should know what my underwear look like are the sales lady at Victoria’s Secret, God, and the man* I marry.

I want a return of the “lady”. I want to be able to get on the bus, train, or just walk down the street without having to avert my eyes because chick in front of me is not wearing clothes and all her business is out. I want to go to the store and spend hours there because I want to, not because that is how long it takes to find something that fits, is tasteful, and makes me look good, not cheap or easy. I want to be able to walk down the street without some dude (notice I did not say a man or men) calling out something rude and whistling at me and thinking I will actually acknowledge them because chick in front of me did, then get pissed when I don’t. I want to see women stop settling for the worst because that is what they believe they are worthy of. I want to see women take pride in themselves and do things to lift themselves to a higher standard, not lower themselves to someone else’s.

In short I want a return of old school taste and class, and self respect.

Is that asking too much?

*I use the term man, or men to signify real gentlemen with class, dignity, and manners.

Thursday, July 10, 2008

Gratuitous Kindness

Do you know how annoying it is to feel as though you constantly have to repeat yourself to people because they just do not listen? People who always want to be nice or do things for you as an act of gratuitous kindness. Who just cannot take no for an answer, and cannot believe that you are on to their schemes. How many ways can you say the word NO? (please do not feel the need to be a(n) (insert appropriate insulting adjective here) ass at this point and start pointing out the ways to say NO in different languages).

Further more, how can that be misinterpreted or how can there still be hope for a change? COME ON!!! Like Charlie Brown says; “GOOD GRIEF!!!” It makes me just want to scream to the top of my lungs, LEAVE ME ALONE!!!

If you feel a compelling urge to be nice to someone, or do something for them, well then good for you. Aren’t you just special? (insert sarcastic rolling of eyes here), However it should be noted that there are some ground rules (based primarily on a rudimentary understanding of common sense principles) that need to be applied.

A quid pro quo (what for what) attitude IS NOT ACCEPTABLE!!!!!.

How many times has someone done (what you thought) was a nice thing for you, and just as you open your mouth to utter a heartfelt thank you they toss out the smarmy used car salesman image inducing “now remember what I did for you … doesn’t it show how I care … you should care the same way too” line, or something in a similar vein.

Blowing your own horn basically makes you look like a self-serving butt munch, or a pimp+, either prospect is not as Martha would say “a good thing”.

You know that person who makes the big donation to the (insert charitable or well deserving group or person here)…but calls a press conference or puts a full page ad in a paper to announce it…

No backsies

You know what I mean. No other example need be given.

If you can’t do something nice out of the genuine kindness of your heart, possibly due to the fact that instead of a heart you have a black hole, but that is another rant, then do us all a favor and save it. Gratuitous kindness is pointless.

+ exceptions: Snoop, Katt, or a Pimp Named Slick Back

Initiation Day

Everyone else is doing it so why not me?

And thus it begins....

Welcome to Really Random Rants...which for the sake of brevity will also be referred to as

What is the point of this blog you may ask? No point really, other than I do not feel like spending an exorbitant amount of money on psychological counseling (which according to many family members and some friends I am in dire need of).

So stop by and visit sometime and take a peek at my random rants. If you agree cool. If not more power to you, but I should tell you right now that I probably will not care.