Finally Friday.
Time to get out of the prison of the 9-5 and relax for the weekend...
Thank God for small mercies.
So here's to hoping to avoid the following:
1. Hot ghetto mess chicks/dudes.
2. LOUD people. (do we not know the meaning of INSIDE VOICES?!?!?)
3. Bad behaved children.
4. Lecherous old men.
5. Skanky old but think they are young women.
6. Any other type of person that ticks me off.
As the temperature goes higher, clothing disappears... my poor eyeballs...
Happy Friday...
Have a great weekend (or at least try to).
Friday, July 18, 2008
Thursday, July 17, 2008
Today I am thankful that...
1. I am alive.
2. God grants me patience and shows me mercy on a daily basis (probably cause He knows that I would not be able to do jail time)
3. I have an interesting family.
4. My midgets are hilarious!!!
5. I have wonderful friends
How about you? What are you thankful for?
2. God grants me patience and shows me mercy on a daily basis (probably cause He knows that I would not be able to do jail time)
3. I have an interesting family.
4. My midgets are hilarious!!!
5. I have wonderful friends
How about you? What are you thankful for?
Wednesday, July 16, 2008
Project Runway
... OF.THE.DEVIL ...
Ok so the new season of Project Runway started tonight. In fact it is on right now. I am watching it, and hating myself for doing so. Here is a sampling of things that I have yelled at my television so far:
1. Jesus wept... at my first glimpse of the contestants
2. Dear God why... at the abundance of flaming men (seriously do they have a quota or something?)
3. Lord Jesus... at the chick who was in the produce section...WTFF are you doing!??!?! (side note: the judges liked this. obviously I have no understanding of fashion...)
4. oh Jesus...Jesus...Jesus... at whatever the hell that hot mess rainbow brite stripped leggings booty short combo thing that chick was wearing
5. and finally (I YELLED this at the top of my lungs by the way) THE DEVIL IS A LIAR!!! ...at the season 1 guy... was that little boy blue that came across the street!?!?!?!? WTF children, WTFF was that?!?!?!
I hate you Bravo network. I HATE YOU!!!
{although I would like to say thank you to the judges for taking that Blayne dude (I HATE THAT NAME) down a peg}
I am going to take a shower now... I feel dirty...
Ok so the new season of Project Runway started tonight. In fact it is on right now. I am watching it, and hating myself for doing so. Here is a sampling of things that I have yelled at my television so far:
1. Jesus wept... at my first glimpse of the contestants
2. Dear God why... at the abundance of flaming men (seriously do they have a quota or something?)
3. Lord Jesus... at the chick who was in the produce section...WTFF are you doing!??!?! (side note: the judges liked this. obviously I have no understanding of fashion...)
4. oh Jesus...Jesus...Jesus... at whatever the hell that hot mess rainbow brite stripped leggings booty short combo thing that chick was wearing
5. and finally (I YELLED this at the top of my lungs by the way) THE DEVIL IS A LIAR!!! ...at the season 1 guy... was that little boy blue that came across the street!?!?!?!? WTF children, WTFF was that?!?!?!
I hate you Bravo network. I HATE YOU!!!
{although I would like to say thank you to the judges for taking that Blayne dude (I HATE THAT NAME) down a peg}
I am going to take a shower now... I feel dirty...
Rush Hour Children
Have you ever had that moment where you consider going home, downing a bottle of 151, Jack, Johnnie, or something along those lines, then getting out your kitchen shears, a butcher knife, some twist ties, and tying your own tubes???
I did. Last night on the way home, and AGAIN this morning while commuting to work. Why? Because once again I found myself stuck in a sealed metal tube with Bebe's Kids...
Last night I had the pleasure of sharing my bus ride home with Sir Screams A-Lot. As the bus pulled up this loud screeching could be heard. I along with others waiting to get on kept looking around trying to trace its origin (in my case so I could run/limp screaming in the other direction). It was only as I got on the bus that I realised the noise was coming out of the body of a small child standing (not sitting.. STANDING) in the seat in front. Useless mom was sitting next to him basically being very ineffective at quieting his screaching, and what I assumed to be older sis was sitting in the next seat taunting him and screaching as well... I really thought about WALKING the rest of the way home (about 15-20 looonnnngggg blocks). It was only the fact that I was horrendously tired and in pain that held me back. So I put on my iPod and turned the volume all the way up and prayed for a swift ride home.
This morning it was Little Esse-san [I love Katt Williams] on the train. HTF ("how" instead of "what") can you whine, fuss, kick, cry, etc. from Brooklyn, ALL THE WAY to Midtown Manhattan!?!?!?! I didn't know who I wanted to hurt more, the kid or again the useless and totally ineffective mom. Futher more why did the mom look, I don't know, scared of the child? Like she was loathe to say or do anything that would set the little pokeman spawn of satan off further!?!?! WTFF!!! So again I put my iPod on and blasted it (I will probably be hard of hearing in my old age).
All I know is that if I had dared to behave in such a manner as a child my mother would have put a serious hurting on me because there was no way she was going to let me embarass her in public.
I am not looking forward to the commute home this evening. The urge to shove evil kids in front of buses, trains, or any vehicle with sufficient speed to render them moot grows stronger everyday... what to do...
I did. Last night on the way home, and AGAIN this morning while commuting to work. Why? Because once again I found myself stuck in a sealed metal tube with Bebe's Kids...
Last night I had the pleasure of sharing my bus ride home with Sir Screams A-Lot. As the bus pulled up this loud screeching could be heard. I along with others waiting to get on kept looking around trying to trace its origin (in my case so I could run/limp screaming in the other direction). It was only as I got on the bus that I realised the noise was coming out of the body of a small child standing (not sitting.. STANDING) in the seat in front. Useless mom was sitting next to him basically being very ineffective at quieting his screaching, and what I assumed to be older sis was sitting in the next seat taunting him and screaching as well... I really thought about WALKING the rest of the way home (about 15-20 looonnnngggg blocks). It was only the fact that I was horrendously tired and in pain that held me back. So I put on my iPod and turned the volume all the way up and prayed for a swift ride home.
This morning it was Little Esse-san [I love Katt Williams] on the train. HTF ("how" instead of "what") can you whine, fuss, kick, cry, etc. from Brooklyn, ALL THE WAY to Midtown Manhattan!?!?!?! I didn't know who I wanted to hurt more, the kid or again the useless and totally ineffective mom. Futher more why did the mom look, I don't know, scared of the child? Like she was loathe to say or do anything that would set the little pokeman spawn of satan off further!?!?! WTFF!!! So again I put my iPod on and blasted it (I will probably be hard of hearing in my old age).
All I know is that if I had dared to behave in such a manner as a child my mother would have put a serious hurting on me because there was no way she was going to let me embarass her in public.
I am not looking forward to the commute home this evening. The urge to shove evil kids in front of buses, trains, or any vehicle with sufficient speed to render them moot grows stronger everyday... what to do...
Tuesday, July 15, 2008
Parades Are Evil
It is 11:15 am.
I am sitting at my desk working and thinking about the nice walk I am going to take at lunch time, and then my email alert flashes on the screen. I go to my inbox to find this:
From: xxxxxx
Sent: Tuesday, July 15, 2008 11:24 AM
To: xxxxxxx
URGENT - URGENT - URGENT Importance: High
We have just been informed by NYPD that 40th Street and 41st Street will be closed between Broadway and 6th Avenue from 12:30 p.m. to 3 p.m. If you leave this block, you will need I.D. showing you work in this building. A SHORT NOTE ON YOUR LETTERHEAD STATING THAT YOUR EMPLOYEE WORKS AT THIS LOCATION MIGHT BE HELPFUL.
IF YOU ARE EXPECTING VISITORS DURING THIS PERIOD, PLEASE INFORM THEM TO THE POSSIBILITY THEY MIGHT NOT BE ABLE TO ENTER THIS BLOCK.
We have just been informed by NYPD that 40th Street and 41st Street will be closed between Broadway and 6th Avenue from 12:30 p.m. to 3 p.m. If you leave this block, you will need I.D. showing you work in this building. A SHORT NOTE ON YOUR LETTERHEAD STATING THAT YOUR EMPLOYEE WORKS AT THIS LOCATION MIGHT BE HELPFUL.
IF YOU ARE EXPECTING VISITORS DURING THIS PERIOD, PLEASE INFORM THEM TO THE POSSIBILITY THEY MIGHT NOT BE ABLE TO ENTER THIS BLOCK.
Are you freaking kidding me!!!! That's just great. So now instead of being able to go and enjoy my one hour of time off for good behaviour I have to dodge all the crackheads out there trying to catch the parade, all the news people reporting on the parade, and the NYPD brass band (damn near got taken out by mister tuba man who was too busy looking at everything else EXCEPT for where he was walking)... AND if I leave the block I have to be prepared to convince the PoPo that I actually work in a building on the block before they will let me back on?!?!?!
WTFF!?!?!?!? (remember the first "F" stands for flying) I got to prove that I want to go to work.. are you freaking kidding me? Bite me butt munch!!! This is why I hate parades. This is why they are evil. They are great only for the people who are actually IN the parade.The people who get to ride in the comfy cars and relax themselves. The rest of us just get screwed over in the process.
Oh and to top it off I REALLY had a crave for some McCracky's fries (don't act like you don't know what I mean) but of course that would have meant leaving the block and having to possibly deal with Sgt. Power Trip on the way back so I chose to forgo that and get a freaking salad... grrr.....
Monday, July 14, 2008
Bra Etiquette
OK. Let's be 1,000,000,000% clear about something:
WEARING A BRA IS NOT AN OPTION IT IS A REQUIREMENT!!!
My poor eyes were assaulted at every turn each time I stepped out of my office today.
The volume of females I saw today with unsupported boobs down to their knees or swinging in the breeze was unnecessary. While it may not look as though there are two honeydews strapped to my chest [obscure shout out to one of my fave Designing Women episodes] God was gracious enough to grant me a decent upper body. As such I am totally mystified at how anyone with more than an A cup can comfortably go about without having the girls (or twins as I call my own... hey guys can and do name their stuff so it is only fair that we get to do the same) properly supported. The gum drop invasion (let it sink in you will get it eventually) that attacked me repeatedly today made no sense to me. In this day and age where you can get a bra in just about any shape, size, style, or color, how can females justify going out without a bra? Saying that they could not find one to go with whatever top they were wearing is a lie from the pit of Hell.
What was most troubling though was that the majority of the incidents took place in Midtown where I work. That begs the question; where do these females work? Harry's House of Ho's? In what place of business, lingerie business and the like excluded, is it acceptable to come to work with all of your goodies on display? These were not even young females I was seeing, but grown behind females. People who should know better. Part of me seriously wonders if it was a deliberate action on their part. Given the frigid nature of the NYC Public Transportation System it is a given that if you go without a bra you will be outed as it were. So did they deliberately leave the house this morning without a bra in an effort to attract attention? On that score it worked, but maybe not entirely in the way that they imagined.
Bra etiquette has died a horrible death and I blame all the zealous feminists of yesteryear and their bra burning fetish. THIS IS ALL YOUR FAULT! So to counteract the damage done by past idiocy I now propose the following set of guidelines for those who may be unsure of when it is or is not proper to forgo wearing a bra:
What was most troubling though was that the majority of the incidents took place in Midtown where I work. That begs the question; where do these females work? Harry's House of Ho's? In what place of business, lingerie business and the like excluded, is it acceptable to come to work with all of your goodies on display? These were not even young females I was seeing, but grown behind females. People who should know better. Part of me seriously wonders if it was a deliberate action on their part. Given the frigid nature of the NYC Public Transportation System it is a given that if you go without a bra you will be outed as it were. So did they deliberately leave the house this morning without a bra in an effort to attract attention? On that score it worked, but maybe not entirely in the way that they imagined.
Bra etiquette has died a horrible death and I blame all the zealous feminists of yesteryear and their bra burning fetish. THIS IS ALL YOUR FAULT! So to counteract the damage done by past idiocy I now propose the following set of guidelines for those who may be unsure of when it is or is not proper to forgo wearing a bra:
1. Unless you are wearing a strapless dress or item that has a full/proper coverage bra [no visible gum drops] already sewn into the top: YOU NEED A BRA!!
3. If you are wearing a tank top or any variation on the style: YOU NEED A BRA!!
4. If you have had children: YOU NEED A BRA!!
5. If your bra size is preceded by double, triple, or anything higher: YOU DEFINITELY NEED A BRA!!
6. If you are incubating a small being: YOU NEED A BRA!!
7. If you are a lady: this doesn't apply to you because you already know how to dress yourself properly.
8. If you are wearing a light, white, see through, mesh, or crocheted top: PLEASE WEAR A BRA!!
In short, once you hit puberty and develop mammarific (yep I made that up) protrusions... whenever you leave your house...YOU NEED TO WEAR A BRA!!
Church Folk
Let me preface this post by saying that I realize that "religion" is a hot button and sensitive issue for many people... I just happen to not care and will proceed anyway.
I CANNOT STAND "church folk"
I absolutely, with every fiber of my being, am upset by their existence in my reality. They are of the devil and need to go the way of the dodo (is that the correct spelling?) bird, or death row inmates in Texas.
By now some of you may wonder what I mean when I say "church folk". Those of you who are reading this and are regular Sunday worshipers will readily identify with this type of person and can probably name at least two or three of them in your own congregation.
"Church Folk" refers to the class of people who come to church not to worship and spend time in the presence of the Lord, but rather to put on a show for all to see.
Examples of common (in my sphere of experience) "church folk" characters include but are not limited to the following:
1. that person who sits up front EVERY Sunday and proceeds to try shout over whomever may be preaching, singing a song, or basically talking in anyway.
2. that person who feels it is their sole mission in life to "help" every person pray through their situation by grabbing them and proceeding to shout right in their ear as they are trying to worship.
3. that person who whenever "caught in the spirit" (usually every Sunday without fail during the song right as the minister comes to the pulpit) feels the need to do laps around the sanctuary/and or altar area.
4. that person who must make a noise to accompany every word out of the mouth of the speaker (see internal dialogue) by means of shouting, clapping, stomping, incessant tambourine banging (to the point of breakage at times), or baning on the drum set (with or without actual drum sticks).
5. that person that "catches the spirit" every Sunday (again usually during the song right as the minister comes to the pulpit) and proceeds to try knock over the pews, and or take out anyone in the immediate vicinity with their fists of fury (this can actually be rather entertaining at times to tell the truth).
6. that person who whenever there is testimony service gets up and proceeds to sing the 7 stanza song complete with full chorus and then give a 20 minute sermon on the goodness of the Lord and ends with the phrase "continue to pray my strength in the Lord." (the way I see it, if you can sing all that and then continue to talk, strength is really not an issue for you now is it?)
{Internal Dialogue}
ARE YOU KIDDING ME!!!!! I swear on all that I hold dear this is the most mind numbing, cringe inducing, violent incident causing behavior on a Sunday. The Bible does say to make a joyful noise unto the Lord, but that is not joyful, not by any stretch of the imagination. Why must you do that?!?!?! I mean come on, why does the sermon need a sound track or a back beat? Tito Puente you are not !!! What did that tambourine do to you that you had to repeatedly hit it so hard that the whole inside piece busted and parts were flying off hitting unsuspecting worshipers all in the eye and what not? And the drums?!?!?!!? You are NOT EVEN A MUSICIAN!!! WTF is the thought process behind banging on the drums (not actually playing because you don't actually know how to..)? And not in a gentle manner... oh no not that, but rather like the drums are a rude child that did something wrong and you are trying to beat the (insert appropriate color reference) off them. AND when the drum sticks are removed instead of taking the hint and stopping you proceed to bang the drums WITH YOUR HANDS ...WTFF (first "F" stands for flying) IS WRONG WITH YOU!??!?!?!?!?!?! That is not cool at all. Yes music is an integral part of praise and worship and the service at large, but did we leave common sense at the altar along with our burdens and troubles?
"Church folk" are becoming an epidemic, and something needs to be done to stop the spread of their madness. Let the revolution begin! Who is with me?!?!?!?!
I CANNOT STAND "church folk"
I absolutely, with every fiber of my being, am upset by their existence in my reality. They are of the devil and need to go the way of the dodo (is that the correct spelling?) bird, or death row inmates in Texas.
By now some of you may wonder what I mean when I say "church folk". Those of you who are reading this and are regular Sunday worshipers will readily identify with this type of person and can probably name at least two or three of them in your own congregation.
"Church Folk" refers to the class of people who come to church not to worship and spend time in the presence of the Lord, but rather to put on a show for all to see.
Examples of common (in my sphere of experience) "church folk" characters include but are not limited to the following:
1. that person who sits up front EVERY Sunday and proceeds to try shout over whomever may be preaching, singing a song, or basically talking in anyway.
2. that person who feels it is their sole mission in life to "help" every person pray through their situation by grabbing them and proceeding to shout right in their ear as they are trying to worship.
3. that person who whenever "caught in the spirit" (usually every Sunday without fail during the song right as the minister comes to the pulpit) feels the need to do laps around the sanctuary/and or altar area.
4. that person who must make a noise to accompany every word out of the mouth of the speaker (see internal dialogue) by means of shouting, clapping, stomping, incessant tambourine banging (to the point of breakage at times), or baning on the drum set (with or without actual drum sticks).
5. that person that "catches the spirit" every Sunday (again usually during the song right as the minister comes to the pulpit) and proceeds to try knock over the pews, and or take out anyone in the immediate vicinity with their fists of fury (this can actually be rather entertaining at times to tell the truth).
6. that person who whenever there is testimony service gets up and proceeds to sing the 7 stanza song complete with full chorus and then give a 20 minute sermon on the goodness of the Lord and ends with the phrase "continue to pray my strength in the Lord." (the way I see it, if you can sing all that and then continue to talk, strength is really not an issue for you now is it?)
{Internal Dialogue}
ARE YOU KIDDING ME!!!!! I swear on all that I hold dear this is the most mind numbing, cringe inducing, violent incident causing behavior on a Sunday. The Bible does say to make a joyful noise unto the Lord, but that is not joyful, not by any stretch of the imagination. Why must you do that?!?!?! I mean come on, why does the sermon need a sound track or a back beat? Tito Puente you are not !!! What did that tambourine do to you that you had to repeatedly hit it so hard that the whole inside piece busted and parts were flying off hitting unsuspecting worshipers all in the eye and what not? And the drums?!?!?!!? You are NOT EVEN A MUSICIAN!!! WTF is the thought process behind banging on the drums (not actually playing because you don't actually know how to..)? And not in a gentle manner... oh no not that, but rather like the drums are a rude child that did something wrong and you are trying to beat the (insert appropriate color reference) off them. AND when the drum sticks are removed instead of taking the hint and stopping you proceed to bang the drums WITH YOUR HANDS ...WTFF (first "F" stands for flying) IS WRONG WITH YOU!??!?!?!?!?!?! That is not cool at all. Yes music is an integral part of praise and worship and the service at large, but did we leave common sense at the altar along with our burdens and troubles?
"Church folk" are becoming an epidemic, and something needs to be done to stop the spread of their madness. Let the revolution begin! Who is with me?!?!?!?!
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