Thursday, August 6, 2009

Public Private Parts

Now that it has finally really gotten hot, it seems like there are more people walking the streets naked. So in an effort to save my retinas and prevent someone from getting beat down on the day that I finally snap, here are the three point five (yes I spelled it out, so what) things to remember about dressing oneself properly in hot weather.

1. Wear Clothes.
It really is very simple. Wear actual clothes. You know things like shirts, pants, skirts. They are readily accessible everywhere and depending on where you shop are not really that expensive.

2. Underwear is NOT optional.
Unless you are an infant with a healing diaper rash, there is no reason to be out and about without undergarments on. Ladies, no one (at least no one that is not on the pervy side) wants to see your milkshakes jiggling like they have the palsey. Dudes, seriously, crack is whack and nasty. No one wants to see that. NO.ONE.

2a. UNDERwear.
It is called UNDERware for a reason. It goes under your clothes and should NOT be seen. Also, stop wearing UNDERware as OUTERware. Please.

3. Know (and accept) your size.
Since when did it become universally accepted to wear clothes that are either three sizes too small or two sizes too big? If you are a grown behind (literally and figuratively) woman, stop shopping in the Junior's section. Just stop it. Walking around looking like you have an inner tube under your shirt is not the business at all. Butt cheeks in the street, disrespectful. Having your back look like rows of sausages cause that tie back shirt is too small, ridiculous. If you are a schemedium at best stop shopping in the husky section (this applies more to guys than dolls). You can't go hard while holding your pants (or really long shorts?? wtf is that about? really) up. It is not gangster to look like you are wearing a night shirt circa Little House on the Prairie, unless you want people to start calling you Pa.

I'm getting really tired of half nekkid people walking the streets man. Really tired.

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