My Own Worst Enemy?

-----Original Message-----
From: xxxxxxxxxx
To: xxxxxxxxxxxxx
Sent: Mon, 22 Sep 2008 11:52 am
Subject: advice


so, i've had my long hair for a few months now. . .my mom loves it, my
cousin & her daughter love it - these are people I trust to tell me, "yeah
that's cute or girl it's time to let that go". . . so it took me by
surprise this morning when a co-worker friend told me, out of the blue,
"you know, I think you should get a short curly bob, that would look cute
on you". . .so are you telling me I don't look cute now?? . . .and why say
this now and not when I first got my hair back in July?? I told her I like
long hair. I mean, you have seen me, what do i need with a curly bob -
i'll look like a freakin' clown!! Now, she started wearing a new wig to
work last week, cute little bob w/layers in the back. I even told her it
looked cute b/c it does.

Why do "we" have such a hard time complementing each other?? She's cool
and all but I'm leery of people who give you those backhanded compliments.
ok, thanks for letting me vent. :-) do you think i'm overreacting or have
you come across people like this??

-- CJ

I received the email above from one of my best girl friends and it got me thinking about the question she raised; why do "we" have such a hard time complementing each other? Why do "we" often tear each other down? Why are "we" often our own worst enemy?

By "we" I mean black women, women of colour, however you define yourself, but for the purposes of not wanting to write all of that every time, I will generically use the term black. (Feel free to take umbrage with that, note however that I will feel free not to care).

This will probably get me in a lot of trouble with many people (like I care) but I really have to wonder if the "plight" of the black woman is more our own doing than the fault of how others outside of the race/culture treat us. Everyone always wants to blame "the man" for how we are portrayed in the media, treated in relationships, and looked upon in society, but a lot of the blame needs to be laid at our own doorsteps because we are often the number one offenders.

How many times do you see a scenario such as this:

1. Group of ladies...wait.. scratch that.. a group of females (because ladies should/would not behave so poorly) are out at the club, decent guy tries to chat them up and they brush him off and generally disavow his existence. He moves along then goes over to someone else who does pay him attention and they start chatting it up and so on. Upon seeing this the females then proceed to talk all kinds of trash about her. Something along the lines of:

• girl look at her, she think she cute with her little (insert trendy designer here) outfit on...

• that's probably a weave or a wig or something she got on (don't bust on weaves and wigs people... seriously... now if it's a busted then go right ahead, but if it is tight and looking right well then put the hater aide down and STFU)...

• just cause she is caramel/chocolate/redbone/high yellow/short/tall/slim/curvy etc. she think everybody wants to talk to her

This is such a typical occurrence that it has basically become normative. Why is there such competition going on? What are we competing for? Seriously?

The whole concept of blaming "the man (black and white)" is pretty much ridiculous to me because really, who do you think they are learning that it is ok to treat black women that way from? Why should they treat us any particular way when they see us putting each other down and treating each other so badly?

Why should men not call us bitches and hoes when we call each other that ALL THE TIME!!!

Why should men respect us when we do not even respect ourselves?

Seriously females piss me off with that nonsense. Always the first to fuss and kick about how males in society treat them but not once does it occur to them that the males are sometimes only mimicking their own behaviour.

If women want things to change, if WE want things to change, then we need to do like Michael said and start with the [wo]man in the mirror. Stop looking to others to change their ways first and lead by example.

Floor-E-duh Sucks...

As a Met fan we are basically conditioned from the womb to handle massive disappointment...

We knew our bullpen sucked... we were prepared for the madness... we hoped for the best yet prepared for the worst..

In that respect they did not let us down..

They sucked just as badly as we expected them to... it just saddens me that Shea had to close its doors forever on such a sad note..

/begin rant...

I would like to publicly say that I will now and forever hate the Florida Marlins for the simple fact that they specifically said (for two seasons in a row now) that if they couldn't get into the playoffs then they would make sure the Mets did not as well.. now we did ourselves in with a horrible bullpen, that is true, but damn it have some freaking class Florida, if we had come into your stadium and it was the last game in a historic place and we were already out of the running then we would have at least had the freaking decency to play with class and let some sh*t slide...and just for that I am gonna root for the Rays because they are a better team anyway and currently the best thing to come out of Florida... bastards...

/end rant...

Monkey In The Middle...

it was a bullshit game as a child and is even more annoying when as an adult people try to play that type of "game".

I am not a mediator. You are an adult. You have issues with a person deal with it and leave me out of it.

Damn it.

I so loathe childish behaviour from supposed adults...

Murder is illegal but some days I think I could look real cute in an orange jumper...

Make It Stop

Those of you who know me well know that I am a die hard Mets fan.

Apparently this also means that I like to willingly inflict mental torture upon myself and ride an emotional roller coaster.

This eloquently sums up my feelings as a Mets fan right now.

Off to find some Calgon...

Side Piece and/or Security Blanket

There comes a time in each person's life (or so I believe) when they come to a sad realisation...

You have always been friends but lately not as close as before. Things start changing and you start to notice interesting behaviours. You are no longer included in their plans and they (or so they think) are not included in yours.

Things that were cool before now cause quarrels and conflict (generally one sided); accusations are thrown about (again usually one sided) and lots of confusion ensues.

One sided demands/requests are made often under the guise of "well I wouldn't do that to you", however the reciprocal demands/requests cannot be made. They will expect and ask of you that which they themselves do not, will not, and possibly cannot give.

Things, actions, words will be taken personally despite a million and one assurances that it wasn't personal. The culture of "it's about me" and "why did you do that to me" becomes very pervasive.

Something that used to give you joy now just leaves you feeling empty, used, and to some extent alone. You have invested a lot and realistically gotten nothing in return.

There comes a time in each person's life (or so I believe) when they come to a sad realisation... that they are just a side piece and/or security blanket.

Beautiful Stranger

"Are your eyes naturally that chinky or is it the makeup that has them looking like that?"

Oh my Lord are you serious?!?!?!

This is no joke. This happened a few weeks ago and apparently the cashier at the Jamba Juice where I stopped to get my morning smoothie was dead serious because she repeated the question when I just stared at her the first time.

Now in all honesty, people have commented on the shape of my eyes in the past, in fact my grandaddy called me his "pug nose baby with the chinese eyes". I have been asked if there are Asians in my family, whether or not I am part Asian, and many things of that nature, but never has it been put to me so bluntly.

I don't know why my eyes happen to have a particular slant to them and as far as I know there are no Asian people in my lineage (but like I said that is as far as I know). I myself don't think there is anything different about the shape of my eyes, but others do.

The exchange got me thinking about how it is that certain traits became ascribed to certain groups of people, or why in one culture a particular trait is looked down upon, yet other cultures are trying to find ways to achieve the same look, and consider it a mark/standard of beauty.

Examples:
Thick lips on Angelina Jolie = Hot
Thick lips on Angeliqa Jones = Not

Curly afro wig/weave on J-Lo = Hot
Real afro on female of colour = Not

Where have these conflicting standards of beauty come from.

On the one hand I believe a certain responsibility lies with the modeling/fashion industry and media. While Dream Girls was only a movie imagine for how many women (and men) it was a reflection on real events in their lives. Being pushed out or passed over for someone taller, thinner, lighter, younger, "prettier"; not necessarily better, just "better looking".

On the other hand I believe that responsibility can also be laid at people's home door steps. As a short, solid chick some could make the argument that maybe I am bitter or jealous because I do not fit the "Standard of Beauty", and if I had been raised in a different environment that may well have been the case. However, I was raised in an environment where I learned that it didn't matter what everyone else said or thought; what truly mattered was what you believed about yourself. We were taught to take pride in how we looked, and carry ourselves with dignity. More importantly we were taught that TRUE beauty is not something that could not be seen on the outside or measured in any calculable (wow that is really a word?) way.

True beauty has nothing to do with physical looks because there are some "gorgeous" ugly people in this world. You know that person that looks so good, but as soon as they open their mouth and start speaking you recoil; a pretty face hiding a dark character. Yet often times by virtue of the fact that they have a "pretty face" their bad behaviour is excused or accepted (Naomi Campbell anyone...).

What I realise though, is that there will not be a change coming anytime soon. Having worked behind the scenes on fashion shows and sitting in my office in the fashion district in the midst of fashion week I see that the same "standards" still exist.

I wonder what it will take to change them.

Parenting and Politics

Most people who know me well know that I don't get into discussions about politics. You do what works for you, and I will do what works for me. I try to avoid being drawn into or starting discussions on the subject, however recent events that have come to light in this current election are causing me to momentarily break my silence.

The Bristol Palin Pregnancy:

Now when I first heard about this I thought to myself, "I wonder if her mom is looking back and seeing if there is anything she could have done differently to avoid this situation". I listened to the pundits on both sides alternately praising her for standing behind her child, and berating her for not teaching her child about safe sex pracitises. Now I agree fully that parents are responsible for teaching their children right and wrong and instilling manners and home training. However there are times when for all the good home training that a child receives, they still do foolishness. It is in cases like those where I cannot support getting on the parent because of the foolishness of the child. I don't live at them, I don't know what went on or goes on in their home, but maybe Bristol Palin was just a hoe. Anyone consider that?

Think about it. Many of us know of a family (or even in our own family) who for all intents and purposes is fairly decent and so are most of their kids (if they have more than one) but there is that one kid who is basically of the devil. No matter how much you speak to them, who speaks to them, punishments, groundings and the like they are still determined to rebell by any means necessary at every turn. Maybe that is the type of child this chick is. Futhermore in this day and age when sex sells and the message of safe sex is plastered EVERYWHERE you cannot look me in the eye and tell me that at 17 years old did not know what a condom was or how to use it. That is pure foolishness. Most 17 year olds that I know are far more knowledgeable than I am about sex (which in and of itself is very disturbing), for that matter most kids that I know as young as 11 and 12 years old know a great deal more about sex at their age than I did at that age.

So for all those people getting on her for being such a horrible parent and how could she let her child do this, consider this; maybe her daughter was just a hoe.

**Disclaimer: no I am not a fan of Sarah Palin. I am however a fan of fair play**

Gone But Not Forgotten

In memory of those whose lives were taken that day, and those who laid their lives down for others.

Hoes and the People who LOVE Them

What is the appeal of a hoe? Seriously

This has been on my mind for some time now and is especially bothersome because I see it happening to people who are (or used to be) in my circle.

What is it about a man whore or skank that will attract seemingly normal people to them?
How many times have you seen what appears to be a decent looking male or female with the equivalent of Flava Flav (spelling? like I care) or New York on their arm?

It becomes more troublesome when the couple in question and the full story is known to you (and a whole lot of other people some times depending on how hoetastic the person is).

Man whores and skanks, while often stupid and ignorant of many things, know there craft very well. They know just what to say, what to do, and how to act to draw people into their clutches. In many respects they are very much like certain types of spiders that build elaborate traps and then lure their victims in. They, much like animal predators, look for the weakest link in the group or in the armour of the intended victim and exploit that to the fullest.

At the other end of the spectrum you have the victim. We know and understand how they can be lured, but what makes them stay? Most man whores and skanks are cheaters, liars, and repeat offenders. They also have a tendency to be very brazen and presumptuous, flaunting their behaviour in the face of the victim, yet the victim stays. Does low self esteem play into the decision to stay? Do they feel like either they cannot do any better, or that this is all or the best that they deserve?

It would seem that this type of highly dysfunctional relationship, while in no way new to society, has become more common. One has to wonder why. I am of the mind that it is a type of after effect of past mistakes by society. Teen parents too young to have children much less raise them. A generation of boys trying to teach their boys how to be men and girls trying to teach their girls how to be women. Single parents trying to do it all, some fairly well, some failing abysmally. Boys who remained mentally boys because there was no one to teach them how to be men. Girls who either want to emulate the boys, or don't know their own self worth because they did not have strong female roll models to emulate.

We as a part of society today also have to take part of the blame because we excuse a lot of the trifling behaviours of man whores and skanks. How many "boys will be boys" have we heard uttered or spoken ourselves? How many "well guys do it too so why can't she/I"? How many people do we know personally who are either man whores or skanks and we still keep company with them even knowing all the dirty that they do and the hurt that they have caused?

How much of the dirt do we know about but keep to ourselves instead of letting the victims know what is really going on. Granted there are some males/females who are the victims in these types of relationships that refuse to see the truth of the matter or to hear anyone who tells them that all is not well in their world. Those people you just have to leave to their own devices. Eventually they will hit a rock bottom point and understand that being in denial does not change reality, but what about the rest of the time?

Regardless of the cause the madness remains the same and frankly it is disheartening to see.

The rest of us, who are decent people (at least I am, I hope the rest of you are) and just looking for other decent people to be with are now faced with the task of having to weed out the man whores and the skanks.

Sigh...

Greyhound Bus Lines

Greyhound Bus Lines is a tool of Satan. It is now somewhere near 2:30 or 2:45 am and I am sitting on the front steps of my parent's home waiting for them to get here and blogging from my phone to pass the time. I should have been on a bus going to see my new niece and her siblings. Thanks to the jackassery and completely mind boggling ineptitude and sheer freaking stupidity of Greyhound and all those associated with that spawn of Satan I am not.

I WILL NEVER EVER SET FOOT ON A GREYHOUND BUS AGAIN IN MY LIFE!!

The devil is so a liar...